Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn’t want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa Simpson: I’ll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.
Homer: Are you saying you’re never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
Mother Simpson: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man…
Lisa: No, dad, it’s a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what “rhetorical” means?
Homer: Do *I* know what “rhetorical” means?
Scully: Homer, we’re going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)
Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer’s Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer’s Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.
Homer: Marge? Since I’m not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won’t be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin’ your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you’re ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you’re not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa’s the one you’re not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
[Santa’s Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all alone]
Homer: I guess you might say he’s barking up the wrong Bush.
Homer’s Brain: There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you’ll ever say and nobody heard it.
Homer: There’s your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum: I’m a boy.
Homer: That’s the spirit. Never give up.
Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.
Edna: Seymour, you have to think of the children’s future.
Seymour: Oh, Edna. We all know that these children HAVE no future.
[Everyone stops and stares at Seymour.]
Seymour: Prove me wrong children. Prove me wrong.
Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I’m proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.
Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them — as is my understanding …
Bart: Aren’t we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.